A Year Later
by bendybaps
Summary: The Golden Trio comes in contact with two Slytherins of the muggle world a year after the war. Who are intent on making their lives as "fun" as possible. CRACK FIC Y'ALL.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Haven't wrote anything in a shit load of time, I know. Spacing might be weird because fanfiction apparently hates Macbooks. WHOOPDEY FUCKING DO. Wrote this with mah buddeh Audra, aka PrincessPetticoat, formally known as masquerade-maquette. We don't own anything of Harry Potter. Besides I read too much gay porn to actually try to do anything. If that makes sense. Have fun reading biatches! **TOTAL CRACK BTW. IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED.**

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><p>Harry, Ron and Hermione were just languidly lying about the Gryffindor common room, which was surprisingly empty, waiting for something to happen. Anything.<p>

It was a year after they defeated Voldemort, and ever since the pure bliss of being safe had worn off they all noticed something. Everything was boring. Plain and simple. Now since they had nothing to concentrate on, nothing to destroy or chase they all just sat around most of the time. Ignoring school and drinking butter beer all day long.

"Wanna play another game of Wizards Chess Harry?" Asked Ron, ginger shaggy hair falling into his eyes. Ever since that faithful battle Ron really let himself go. He became, as Ginny liked to call him, a giant walking fat ass.

"No fat ass, I want to do something fun." Said Harry. The hurt in Ron's eyes was evident but they quickly changed to soft joy when Hermione slipped over next to him and kissed his cheek.

"C'mon Harry." She started "Ron isn't a fat ass! He's just slowly turning into a big giant ginger teddy bear!" She gingerly pinched his love handles causing a groan from her boyfriend.

"You guys really need to fuck off about the whole teddy bear thing-" Began Ron until he was rudely interrupted by a big bang at the Fat Lady portrait.

"LET ME IN TWAT." Came an unfamiliar voice from the other side of the wall. It was lower pitched, yet definitely feminine.

"No! You can't enter unless you have the password!" Retorted the Fat Lady.

Another bang followed. "BITCH YOU LET ME IN OR I SWEAR I'LL RIP YOUR EYES OUT AND REPLACE THEM WITH FUCKING DOBBY'S-"

At once the portrait swung open. "The password was Dobby you insulate little girl." She sneered.

"Oh cool beans bro." And then stepped in two young girls, dressed in muggle clothing. The golden trio just looked at them with big eyes.

"You guys ever seen any sexy bitches before because it sure looks like you haven't." Said the taller girl of the couple, her long brown hair falling into her face.

"Sure doesn't." Said the shorter partner. She turned and looked at the tall brunette "Dearest elf, I think it's time to fuck shit up."

"Oh yes, lovely hobbit, it indeed is the time to do so."

Ron stood up, practically throwing Hermione off his side and onto the ground in the process.

"HOLD UP NOW." He yelled, face contorted in anger. "WHO THE FUCK DO YOU GUYS THINK YOU ARE?"

The taller brunette stepped forward. "I'm Laura. And damn Ron sorry to say this but you got FAAAAATTTTTTT."

"And I'm Audra!" Came a sweet voice from her side. She started to walk up to Ron, short brown hair bouncing with each step. She tentatively reached out her pointer finger and, while looking straight into Ron's eyes, poked his flabby belly. "Hehe. Squishy."

Ron swatted at her hand. "Stop molesting me!" He said while slowly inching towards Hermione who was still on the floor.

"What are you guys?" She asked with a dreamy look on her face.

"We are travelers of time and space, Hermione." Started Laura "We've traveled many foreign lands just to reach this school. Swam through oceans of molten lava, rode on the back's of particularly stingy hobos-"

"Oh shut up Laura." Said Audra, she turned to Hermione and started telling the truth, which is most definitely overrated. "We came here on the fucking train you stupid bitch. I thought you were the smartest of the group but I guess I THOUGHT WRONG NOW DIDN'T I HMMM?" She looked at Hermione with scolding eyes. "You disappoint me."

Hermione was dumbstruck. No one has ever insulted her massive intellect, ever. She squinted her eyes at Audra and got back up on her feet.

"Oh what now little girl you know my life story huh is that it? I could rip you to shreds with my bare hands you little-" Hermione fell back to the floor unconscious, a smiling Laura behind her still body, her hands in fists from just knocking Hermione out onto the floor.

"Thought that would help. God I fucking hate know it all whores." She said.

"Laura, you are a know it all whore."

"SHUT UP AUDRA LET ME BE WHAT I AM GOD THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE KNOW IT ALL WHORE."

"Oh ho ho ladies calm down." Said Harry finally raising from his seat and walking over to the bickering couple. "There's enough of me to go around."

Laura looked up to Harry. "Bitch I'm Slytherin. I'm saving myself for Draco."

"Yea" Added Audra "And I've got Tom Felton. No one wants yo skank ass."

Harry just stared at them, an incredulous look on his face. "You guys don't want to... touch me?" He said with a sad pout.

The two girls just looked at him. Who the fuck would want to touch Harry Potter? "Damn you're a fucking creep." Said Laura.

At hearing this, Harry sulked his short little ass into the corner of the desolate common room. Saddened by the news that he was unwanted by two of the sexiest creatures in the whole fucking universe.

Laura looked down at Hermione's body with a small smile on her face. "Let's unforgivable curse dis bitch right hur."

Ron stared at Laura. "You can't do that! That's... unforgivable!"

"NO SHIT FAGGIT." Shouted Laura who then swiftly threw her wand over to Audra. "We're here to fuck shit up bro. Don't like it? Get fucked by a hot poker in the ass."

As soon as the words flew out of her mouth, Ron ran for his life. Out of the common room, through all of Hogwarts and into the Forbidden forest. Apparently he'd rather face those spiders then a couple of hot bitch ass Slytherins.

The sexy ass Slytherins turned their attention back to Hermione. Laura got on her knees and started to pet her head.

"She is my witch. And I shall call her skank bag. And she shall be my skank bag."

"What?" Shouted Hermione, "what does that mean?"

"IT MEANS YOUR A FILTHY FUCKING MUDBLOOD CUNT. IMPERIO!"

After those harsh words were said, a bright blood-red beam shot out of Audra's wand. It latched on to Hermione's stupid little cunt soul, and it lifted her into the air - CONTROLLED.

Audra lifted her wand as Hermione floated higher into the common room. She threw Laura's wand back to her. "Here! Now stun Harry and keep his short ass still."

Harry was up from his corner now, scared shitless. "You can't do that!" He shouted, his voice cracking with fear. "BITCH WE JUST DID. STUPEFY." Laura's spell crashed into Harry, throwing him against the wall. "Petrificus totalus!" His body turned to stone. Like a still birth.

Audra giggled with crazed madness. She then moved her wand towards Harry, bringing Hermione's controlled body with it.

With a swish and a flick, she rammed Hermione's body right into Harry's. Causing an immense amount of sexual frustration between them. We know this, because Harry's little wanker sprouted beneath the seams of his leather skinny jeans.

Audra repeated the action with such force, that the walls started to shake.

There was a sudden knock on the fat lady portrait. Laura and Audra both just stared at each other, both trying to telepathically tell one another to get the door. Laura automatically did it because she's whipped. By Audra. In case you didn't know.

She went over and opened the door, against the Fat Lady's distress. On the other side of the portrait were the two greatest men alive.

Draco Malfoy and Tom Felton.

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><p>Hope you guys enjoyed it. I'll be posting another chapter soon with my darling hobbit. Try not to die from the suspense. I WOULD REALLY LIKE IT IF YOU REVIEWED BECAUSE IT'S A REALLY NICE GESTURE GUISE.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Sorry it took so long to get dis shit up yo. Audra and I were pimpin' and popping dat pussay ya diggg? Lol no I just didn't feel like writing. Feel nice reading it. We wrote it FOR YOU.

Disclaimer: WWE DON'T OWN SHIT OKAY

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><p>The two dapper men strolled into the common room. Draco looked around sternly, a scowl on his pretty little face.<p>

"Ah the Gryffindor common room. Just what I expected it to be. Full of twats."

"Hey pretty boi slut I'm not a twat!" shouted Laura. "We're both Slytherins. SLYTHERINS FOR LYFE BRAH~~~"

"The both of you? There's only one of you."

"No my hobbit Audra is right next to me-" Laura looked besides here and, low and behold, that skank wasn't there.

"God jam it! She had an imperious curse on Hermione! That little hoe bag." Thankfully, Hermione was still draped across Harry's body, fast asleep. Apparently Harry made a nice bed.

Laura looked frantically around the common room, searching for Audra. Until her eyes landed on Tom. Audra was literally on her knees, rubbing her face into Tom's crotch.

"Awww Tom let me love you down please baby we're going to get married and I'll please you in so many ways c'mon babyface let me-"

Laura scooted over to Draco, trying to hide herself from the awkwardness. And that's when the unspeakable happened.

A soft, squishy thud echoed throughout the common room.

It was Audra's ovaries. They had literally fallen to the floor of the common room. She looked down with a quizzical look, though, was not surprised this had happened. Laura looked around with frantic eyes searching for absolutely nothing, trying to somehow not notice the unattached body part on the carpet.

Audra was about to look up from this awkward moment in hopes of Tom still loving her, though her eyes stayed put at the set of ovaries before her as they exploded.

Audra jumped back up at this as the ovaries exploded into what looked like confetti made up of its self. Draco grabbed at Laura's hand, a desperate look on his jumped up from the floor, "déjà vu!" he shouted.

Laura turned around with a stank lookin' face. "You dumb twat. This ain't no Yates scheme of pulling another Voldemort and Bellatrix!"

Hermione, her body now disrupted from Harry's exclaimed jumping, lifted her weakened body off of the floor and wadded her way further to Harry's shame corner. Laura saw her move but really didn't give a fuck because Draco was still holding her hand for dear life and looking at her with that pained face.

Audra, on the other hand, was thoroughly hurt. She just lost her ovaries and Tom was giving her a sickly look. There was ovary juice splattered all over his face. On his lovely tanned British face.

"I AM SO SORRY." She started to wail "I'M SORRY FOR, BLAMING YOU, FOR ALL THE THINGS, I JUST COULDN'T DO-"

"Shut the fuck up Audra you just got some blue waffle juice on his face no big deal that pimp gotta grow some bawls." Said Laura. Draco smirked at her.

Tom just gave a derp face, actually now starting to move out of the puddle of hobbit ovaries he was standing in.

"It's ight. Happens all the time, love. Now what's your name? Audra, right?"

She looked at him with doe eyes. "Why yes yes it is Audra now are you a screamer or-"

"Yes he is." interrupted Hermione with a sly look on her face. "I would surely know."

Audra looked at her, pure rage evident in her eyes. "We should hide." Whispered Laura into Draco's ear.

"But why? This would surely be a nice little slap fight to watch."

"Trust me Draco," said Laura "it wouldn't."

"Oh HELL to the mother fucking NO." Audra screamed with rage at Hermione. Laura and Draco backed away slowly and hid behind some large velvet drapes.

"Shits gonna go down." Laura whispered to Draco.

Hermione stood across the room with a raised eyebrow and a hand on her hip. "Skank thinks she's all that, huh?" questioned a very angry hobbit. "Well," the small hobbit started, "I think bitches need to get stuff done."

"SKANK." Laura shouted from the window. Draco looked at her curiously. "Are you scared? oh bb let me hold you-"

"ARE YOU THREATENING ME?" Hermione challenged.

Audra clasped her hands together and her face looked like some sort of teenage schoolgirl who thinks she's all that and a bag of chips. "Like, oh my gosh Hermione. You are like, SO. SMART. That's exactly what I'm doing!"

With that, she flicked her wand and her outfit drastically changed into something of a silky black robe. It's darkness billowed around her figure, flowing nonstop.

"Is that really necess-"

Laura swiftly jumped from the curtains and pulled out her wand. Hermione gasped as she suddenly approached her. She raised her wand high above her, "CRUCI-"

"NOOOOOOOO!" came a really obnoxious voice from behind the couch. A wild Ron appeared, now returned from his mad scare to the forbidden forest. His rolls flipped and flopped this way and that as he attempted to reach out and block the unforgivable curse. Though, he tripped over the back of the couch, causing le fat ass to fall.

"Damnit Ron. Stealer of thy thunder!" Laura rose her wand in despair again. Hermione grabbed her wrist before Laura could do anything. "Luls" Laura exclaimed, "you forgot about your nether regions."

Her eyes grew wide as the whopping heeled foot of a hobbit came whirling towards her crotch. She groaned as she grasped her vajay in agony.

"Feels like a knife, don't it?" Audra said triumphantly. Hermione looked up to the victorious hobbit and groaned again, falling next to her chunky lover.

"I bet that gave her a blue waffle Audra. FOUR FOR YOU GLEN COCO YOU GO GLEN COCO."

Laura and Audra gave each other one of those super cheesy but cool in air high fives. More than half of the Golden Trio was lying on the ground in fetal position. It was surely a glad sight.

Draco rose from his hiding place behind the sickeningly red and gold drapes. He ran up to Laura and lifted her up, pilling her onto his shoulder. With is nose in Laura's ass, he triumphantly mouthed into there cheeks "I'm going to fuck that."

"HONEY BADGER DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF IT'S UP THE BACK DOOR. AS LONG AS IT'S WITH DRACO I'M ALL GOOD."

Harry turned towards the couple. "Slytherins are disgusting."

Tom and Audra just looked at him. Fire burning in their eyes.

"You. Take. That. Back." They said in unison.

But something was wrong with Harry. His eyes were burning red, his robes started billowing with the new magic wind blowing within the common room.

"PREPARE FOR PAIN" He screamed while raising his wand, the tip already glowing red hot from the magic uncontrollably rushing through it.

"Oh shit." Said Draco successfully dropping Laura to the ground with a thud.

They all looked at Harry, his robes billowing _even__further_ and his wand now pointed directly at the four of them.

There was no way the sexy quad could get out of this. No way at all.

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><p>AN: :OOOO OH LOOK A CLIFF HANGER WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT? BUTT SECKS? RIM JOBS? No. This isn't yaoi. (... it could be though) Stayed tunned for next the next chappie, whenever that may ring. BE AWARE.<p> 


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